By Amanda Linette Meder
Before I was professional psychic medium, I led a double life.
By day, I worked as an environmental advocate and kept jobs such as: research associate, wilderness guide, ecological educator, so on and so forth.
At night, I would go home to my apartment, seeing and hearing Spirits, unable to sleep.
I kept myself awake by endless amounts of coffee during the day and I nursed myself to bed with sleeping pills, wine, the comfort of a boyfriend or a mixture thereof.
I was highly respected in my field, but I hated myself.
While I always knew I could see things other people couldn't, I didn't always know it had a name.
Once I found out that what I 'had' was mediumship, I thought it was a death sentence.
My interpretation was that to become a medium, I would have to give up my career, my notoriety, the prospect of a future husband and everything I had worked so hard for - a normal life - in order to become a social leper.
I kicked, screamed and protested against it, feeling that my only saving grace was that if I did learn how to manage my gifts, I could eventually teach what I knew to my children. Maybe then, they wouldn't have to grow up thinking they were cursed just like I had. That's no way for someone to live, I thought.
So I did it.
I walked away from my life and became a medium.
Now, on the other side of the fence whole heartedly, I'm confronted nearly every day with mediums who feel the same way I did - they have gifts, but are terrified about what it might mean for them, if they actually accepted those abilities and lived 'the lyfe.'
I wanted to write this post for those mediums.
Accepting my gifts changed my life, and this is the story of how.
the amanda before:
Before I accepted my gifts as a psychic medium, I lived a double life. By day, I was one person - rational, scientist, normal, trying to fit in, logical, a woman working in a man's world and loving it. I was working in the environmental field and making a difference in people's lives on the physical level. While I enjoyed connecting people to nature and eliminating urban pollution, most days, when I went home most nights, I asked myself, is this all there is? Even though my work was good for the environment, it felt empty and surface level.
Then by night, I was another person - scared, unable to sleep, confused, nervous, feeling alone, experiencing very weird phenomena. The contrast of being two people at the same time created an incredible amount of stress and anxiety. I was one person on the outside and another person on the inside. I felt isolated.
Since I wasn't being honest with who my true self was, I had a hard time having true intimate relationships with anyone, and I was in a romantic relationship with someone who was unable to care for me in the way I needed. This, more than anything, left me feeling incredibly alone.
In the time right before I decided to walk into my path and step into my gifts fully, I was living in a brick apartment building behind a fried chicken restaurant - not the most ideal nor supportive living environment.
the amanda now:
Now that I have accepted my gifts, I live a more authentic life. By day - I am still a rational, normal and logical person who splits her time between writing and educating, just as I had before, and spends the other half of her time being a psychic medium. I'm exactly who I always was, but now, I'm using my scientist - educator skills to bring knowledge to my community - the psychic community. Living in a unity of owning my abilities and using my career skills to help educate others is incredibly peaceful and empowering.
I'm the same person inside and out - I'm still' work-a-holic to make a difference Amanda,' but it's now in the same world of my true self - and I'm serving my true community. Now, I feel I'm making a difference that catalyzes people on both an emotional and physical level - and I feel my work is more wholehearted now than it ever was.
Because I'm one person inside and out, and aligned with my truest self, shortly after accepting my gifts I met my soulmate. I'm in a relationship with someone who cares for me and helps manage my business - he's all in. I feel incredibly supported in this way.
Living fully committed to my path, I now have my dream home. A three-story Victorian, with walls of windows overlooking a private forest with a personal walkway down to the river it overlooks. The sun rises in my bedroom each morning.
As you can see, it does get better on the other side.
Surrounded by the support of those that I love, I now live in a caring (internal and external) environment and feel much more peace each night as I lay my head down to sleep.
And I wake up each day knowing I only have to be one person.