When I was 5 or 6 years old, my father sat both my sister Sarah and I down at the dining room table to talk.
We had an oblong table. They sat on one side, while Sarah and I sat on the other, facing them.
Pretty sure we were in trouble for something, we were invited to the dining room to have a seat, and from there, my father began speaking first.
He told us that in our family, there was a curse.
And in each generation someone in the family was struck with was curse. In his generation, it was him and in his mother’s generation, it was his mother. Before that, my great-grandmother.
The curse consisted of having the ability to see things that aren’t there, to see things or have visions of events that may happen in the future, to have premonitions or knowing about what might happen before it does, to have a very active dream-life, often including nightmares, and the ability to see those in Spirit.
As a little girl, I was plagued with nightmares. Night after night, I barely slept. I had dreams while I was sleeping and I had begun to wonder if I dreaming while awake was possible - since I had recently begun seeing things in my bedroom with my eyes open.
I also had started seeing people standing in windows and doorways that no one else could see and was beginning to hear people at home in the house, when no physical people were actually home.
None of my other family members experienced, anything like this . . .except my father. Who as an adult, I often confided in and asked for his help in figuring out what was going on.
I wanted to know why my brother and sisters didn’t have the same dreams I had. Or see the same things I did. And I wanted to know why my friends always looked at me funny when I pointed out someone standing in a window - when they saw nothing at all.
And now I had my answer.
I was cursed.
With clairvoyance and the ability to see and hear those in Spirit, mediumship. Some members of my family call it the Scry, or the ability to foretell or foresee.
I had the curse, just like my father before me, my grandmother before that, and my great-grandmother, before both of them.
The conversation consisted of no explanation. No assistance on what ‘to do’ about the curse or what they did to deal with the curse. But it did, consist of my father’s and grandmother’s most memorable premonitions or knowingness of someone’s death - before they died.
At five years old, I’m not sure this approach was comforting. In fact, I left the conversation with an answer to why my dreams were so bad and why I could see things no one else could, but I left with no tools on how to deal with it.
As I grew up, my father begin to empathize less and less with the things that I would see, and more and more he began to ignore my requests for help and understanding. He walked away when I tried to talk to him. He started turning up the volume on the television when I began to enter a room. And finally, when I was 14, we got into a huge arguement - one which ended in physical violence and a command -
If I was going to live in the household any longer, I was no longer able to talk about or bring up the curse.
Confused, sad and feeling rejected - I made a decision.
I was going to rid myself of the curse.
Getting Rid of the Curse
So, I began the process of ‘getting rid’ of my abilities.
I stopped talking about the things I would see while I was awake
I stopped talking about my dreams to anyone and stopped bothering to interpret them
I pretended to stop seeing Spirits - that is, if there was a Spirit-person around, I tried my hardest to not look, just incase anyone saw me looking
I stopped going into the areas of my house where I would see things, meaning, I no longer went into certain rooms or entire levels
I told myself it wasn’t real and that if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. . . because that was what I’d been told.
As I began the process of getting rid of my abilities, my father, too, began the process of getting rid of his.
He started drinking, a lot. And while now I know that alcohol depresses your energy, making it harder for you to connect with Spirit (a tool common of mediums who want to decrease their sensitivity), I didn’t know that back then.
My father went from drinking after work, to secretly filling up his iced tea cups with Vodka, to stashing used liquor bottles in the ceiling light fixtures.
As for my strategy, it largely worked. As a teen and young adult, I was proud to say that my curse had gone away, but not without consequence.
When I decided to rid myself of ‘the curse’, I decided that I was no longer acceptable the way that I was, and while I was now, “curse free”, I also now felt unlovable and everywhere I went, I felt I was carrying a secret that I could never reveal. I felt there was a part of me that I could never share with anyone.
This brought upon feelings of anxiety, loneliness and separateness. It also brought about a fair amount of dysfunction in all areas of my life - for I could never fully, truly, wholly be me - or else the curse, which I had tried so hard to squash, would return.
I chose occupations, partners and friendships all based on whether or not I thought they had the curse, too - I wanted to surrounded myself with people who were normal and curse-free, so that hopefully, I, too, could become normal.
Then, 10 years after he started, my father died from a series of internal injuries as a result of his drinking. His strategy, was largely unsuccessful.
He died as a result of his own avoiding the curse.
And with that, the curse was back, and nothing I could do could seem to stop it.
Things in my house began to move, make noise or fall off of shelves in the middle of the night. Pictures, paintings would appear on my bed when no one was home. Mysterious 000-000-0000 numbers began to call my telephone. I couldn’t sleep anymore, because I felt like someone was watching me and whenever I was alone - I felt I wasn’t. My anxiety skyrocketed and I began to wonder what was wrong with me.
So far removed now from my natural abilities of childhood, that I didn’t even consider that my experiences could have anything to do with my gifts of clairvoyance or mediumship. I began to think I was going mad and others in my life (people who I deemed curse-free) began to think something was wrong with me, too.
With the death of my father, I dropped back out of the normal crowd and slowly began to fall away from the normal curse-free Iife I’d created. I no longer cared about my job, my friendships or my partner. I stopped exercising and going to the gym. And I even gave up my favorite hobby - yoga.
I started to draw away, and as I drew back from my curse-free life, I began to wonder what it was all about.
Why had I been born with a curse, when no one else in my family was?
Why did the only person I knew, who I could talk to about it, refuse to help and subsequently die, before I could get any answers?
What was the point of having dreams and seeing Spirits, anyway?
For me, I felt like the curse had ruined my life. I had to struggle with keeping it at bay and my father, died, in an attempt to do do much the same.
The curse, made me different from all my siblings, when they got a chance to be normal.
The curse, made me feel like I was living with a major flaw I could never heal or repair.
Could the curse be good for anything? I wondered . . .
Searching for the Good
From this place, I decided to look for the benefits of clairvoyance, nightmares and even the meaning of Spirits. I purchased countless books, stayed up at night searching the internet when I couldn’t sleep for articles on the paranormal. I looked up angels, spirit guides, earthbounds, shadow people, and even how to get someone to come out to your house to deal with a haunting.
Eventually, I came across a few websites of professional mediums. People who, talked to dead people and passed their messages on to people who knew them. People who, had the ability to see, hear and sense Spirits since childhood.
And it began to dawn on me . . .
There was a whole group of people out there, just like me!
They called themselves mediums and actually talked to translucent people that they saw.
I didn’t know that the apparitions I could see could talk to you, because I’d focused so much of my energy on never making eye contact with one, that I had actually never tried it.
So that night, I tried it. I told the person-shaped energy standing in my bedroom, to leave . . . and it did. And for once, I could finally sleep at night.
From this small victory onward, I began actively trying to talk to the translucent people that I could see, and as I did, I learned that they knew people I knew. And soon, friends, family members and friends-of-friends began to come forward - asking me to talk to people that they knew who were dead!
Then one day, a friend from my sister’s baby group, asked me to talk to a deceased person that her grandmother knew.
When we met, I described, to my sister’s friend’s grandmother, the man who was standing in the room with me. I told her what he said - he said he wanted to give her 1,000 kisses on the forehead and that she was the only person he had ever loved. When I didn’t know who he was, I asked, and he replied, ‘I’m her husband’.
And before me, her face lit up and they began to talk, with me as the translator.
She asked him a question and since he could hear her speak (he was standing in the room), he would reply out-loud and I would repeat what he said. For over an hour, the two bantered back and forth, retelling stories about how much they loved each other.
At the end, he told her that HE would be the one to greet her when it was her time to pass. And she burst into tears.
When me, my sister’s friend’s grandmother and her husband all said our goodbyes, that’s when I closed the door, and I began to cry.
That day, for the first time in my life, I realized my curse, could actually be a gift to someone.
And that it was worthy of having. Ever since that day, I’ve set out to helping others with it overcome their fears and live a more peaceful life with spirits, than ever before.
Amanda Linette Meder