I was raised to believe that I had a curse.
But I was never really told what that meant. I knew I had vivid dreams. I knew I could see things while awake that other people couldn’t see. And I knew I had a really hard time sleeping.
I could see people who were translucent, but I didn’t know they were dead. In fact, I never knew who they were - because any time I asked anyone if they saw them, too - they didn’t.
I grew up being led to believe that whatever it was that I had - prevented me from sleeping and made it so I didn’t want to fall asleep (so I wouldn’t have to dream).
I didn’t think there was any way to fix it. And I didn’t know that what I had could be helpful to anyone at all, until years later.
So during my childhood, I went through waves of learning about ghosts and trying to understand if this might be who I was seeing, and then I went through waves of shutting it out completely - and being afraid to be alone - ever. I didn’t even like to shower in the mornings - because that meant I had to be alone.
And if you’ve been reading on this blog, you know that Spirits mostly visit you alone - because that’s when they have your full attention (not to scare you). But at the time, I didn’t know that. I thought it was to scare me - for sure. After all, that’s what I’d learned in all the ghost books I’d ever checked out at the local library after school.
It wasn’t until after my dad died, that my abilities started to ramp up again - to the point where I had to do something about them - or I was going to go crazy. With his death, began a 7 year process of being terrified by, coming to terms with, and finally accepting my abilities.
During this time, after my father’s death - most of the people in my life who had known I’d sometimes talked about seeing spirits, still thought I might just be grieving. That the experiences I was having after his death - things moving in my house, seeing people at the foot of my bed, hearing door knocks when no one was there - were all a hallucination, a product, of my grief.
But I wasn’t grieving. In fact, I wasn’t all that sad my father was dead, originally. We had a tumultuous relationship and didn’t get along. In fact, we were like two poles on opposite sides of the Earth. While we shared the same ability of mediumship, we had one major difference that drew us far apart -
I was trying to understand it, and he was trying to forget it.
We were both trying to figure out our lives, but in different ways. I wanted to understand what was happening to me and what I was experiencing, so that I could have a normal life. He wanted his abilities to go away, so that he could have a normal life.
It was these two, completely opposite ways to approach the same ‘problem’, that drew us apart. When he died, I was relieved - not only because he had been suffering for a long time (relieved for him), but for me - because I would no longer have someone in my life who always wanted to fight with me and tell me I was wrong.
Back to the story.
As part of the process of understanding my abilities, I went through several stages:
Still being terrified for a while
Trying to go back to pretending it wasn’t real
Branching out, seeing if it might be real
Once I realized it might be real, deciding to tip-toe learn about it
Delving into it, learning everything about it I could
Developing my abilities
Making them useful, by helping others move out of stage 1.
This took me years to do, and much of how I learned was a check - double check process. I didn’t just accept it and forget it.
I went into a full scale experiment on my life.
I tested Spirits. I challenged whoever was making noises in my house to do it again, if it was real. I asked them to tell me and show me answers to things I couldn’t know otherwise. They did. They passed.
I tested Teachers. I visited mediums, spiritual teachers and professionally practicing intuitives. I asked them my difficult questions to see if they had reasonable answers. They did. They passed.
I tested Books. I read every single book I could find on Spirits, intuitive abilities and mediumship and compared it to what I already knew about Spirits - from my lifetime of experiences with them in my life. Things started to pile in and make sense. It passed.
Then, I had to test Myself.
I had to compare everything I’d learned from asking the Spirits who were around me, the teachers I’d encountered and the books I’d learned. I had to try it out for myself.
So I started giving readings, to see, if what I had learned - that seeing and hearing Spirits could be helpful and I could use it for something good - was actually a thing. I had to see if I could actually do that thing that everyone said was possible - mediumship.
I did hundreds of readings before I believed it fully, for myself.
Though I’d lived my whole life with Spirit, I was raised to believe it wasn’t something that could help anyone. I was raised to believe that what I had, was good for nothing, but causing me sleepless nights. Indeed, I grew up teaching myself I was cursed.
So, I had to teach myself out of it. I had to learn about the other side of it - I had to learn how it could be a gift. And to learn this, I had to start trying to use it to help someone other than myself. And that’s where the readings came in.
Going into many of them, myself a skeptic, I could completely resonate with those I read that didn’t believe, either. I was in the same boat - just trying to explore if it was real and if it could, really be a good thing.
And the time came when I finally gave enough readings, where people outside of myself, declared that I helped them to heal - declared that things Spirits said through me were validating, accurate and helpful. This - the outside validation - is part of the way I finally allowed myself to believe, that this thing I had, could be a positive influence.
One of the most positive things about my ability, is that along with developing it to be helpful to others - it was also helpful to me.
With it, I was able to heal the relationship I had with my father. Seeing and hearing Spirit, once I welcomed my abilities into my life with an open heart, I was able to see and hear my father. He apologized. Explained why he behaved the way he did and I explained why I behaved the way I did. We forgave each other and now, he’s one of my biggest supporters - on the Other Side, that is. In fact, I like him alot better now as a Spirit, than I did while he was alive.
On top of that, I realized that during my search - the most helpful information I was able to find came from books - even though I spent most of my time searching on the internet.
On the internet, there wasn’t much I could find that made sense to me or that gave me any comfort at all. So, I resolved to create something for people to find in their search that did both - made sense and provided comfort.
This blog is the result of that resolution.
It’s one of the ways I re-write my curse - as a gift - every single day. And it’s the result of all the information I learned from the four tests I did and it’s a result of all the information I continue to learn, as I too, continue to test, explore and lean into my abilities.
It was one of the ways I knew I could help.
Now, just about every day, I receive emails from readers thanking me for what I’m doing. And when I open my inbox to see one of your messages, I want you to know, you’re helping me too. Sometimes, sometimes, I still need the reminder,
“Hey, it’s not a curse, it’s a gift. It’s just you who has to decide to see it that way.”
With love and thank you for reading,